This has been an unfair day.

Not because it's been particularly bad, but because I feel .. I don't know if I can describe what I'm feeling right now. Indifference, maybe? I feel misplaced. Apathic. Frustrated. Disconnected. All of these, but also none of these. I want to scream. I want to have some sort of outlet for this disassociative anger I'm feeling.

You know, anger is something I've always had problems handling; I think that anger was a feeling I didn't really experience a lot of in my early childhood, and as a result, when I later faced all sorts of nasty people, I didn't know how to be properly angry with them and so submitted instead. I keep it bottled up, and then sometime it all comes pouring out in one way or another. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes I do other things, but it always comes out in a way that feels wrong.

Spesifics that could be making me feel this way:
- not feeling welcome as a result of being away from home.
- not having my best friends readily available; I only have one friend I would consider good down here, and I don't think I could walk up to him and tell him all of what's going on in my mind.
- not being who I want to be, frustration with self.

The last point is really the most important, I think. I'm a person with the need for constant change, I don't deal well with things being the same all the time. It bores me. That is one of the reasons why I went to England ... actually, it's the main reason. The only reason? I was pretty content with most aspects of my life back there, after all.

( Women I idolize (aka wish I could be) )

FYI, all the people mentioned here are musicians save from Diaz, so if you haven't heard their music/their band, I recommend you check them out.