Happy birthday silent_twin! Hope there will be tons of fun in the sun for you today.

I've pretended to be content with the fact that I didn't get into an UWC school and that I'm happy to stay here, and to some extent that's true. But. There are a lot of things that just aren't okay about it as well. Like the fact that I'm gonna miss two of the people that did get in (and into the school I wanted to get into the most) to bits and fricking pieces, that it makes me feel like I'm stupid and less worthy and all that jazz, and that I'm so bored of my existence. Because it really is more of an existence than a life. I just am, I either do or I don't, and it frustrates and bores me. That again makes me feel like a boring person, and if there's one thing I don't want to be it's boring. Actually, not being boring is one of the most essential things in my life. E.g. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up but I really want it to make a difference somehow. I don't want to be just another face, y'know?

Which is pretty annoying because I feel like won't make a difference anyhow, so my life is .. a waste, basically. I'm not suicidal, there's just some days that I don't see what the point of it all is. We just are and then we aren't, and it's such a waste of precious time and the world's resources. I mean, regarding myself. Everyone else's lives are precious and must be preserved. Not being ironic, I really think that. Um, I'm being confusing. Basically, me < everyone else (in terms of worth).

I should learn to be more egoistical.

We're currently in the process of moving out and away from a place I've spent just too much of my time in. I can't wait, hope we relocate closer to downtown. That would make my life.

[edit] Fitting quote:

You only lose energy when life becomes dull in your mind. Your mind gets bored and therefore tired of doing nothing. Get interested in something! Get absolutely enthralled in something! Get out of yourself! Be somebody! Do something! The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have.
— Norman Vincent Peale