I'm better. Not great, but better.

I really miss home. I miss being able to walk around in my pajamas and eat whenever I want and seeing my family and boyfriend and friends at a regular basis. I miss being able to bicker with sister over small things. I miss getting up when I should because there aren't anyone using the bathroom because I'm always the earliest to get up at home but never here. I miss having a desk big enough to both have a computer and a notebook on, at the same time. I miss doing stuff with more friends than one. I miss being able to kiss my boyfriend (hell, I miss hugging him).

I still haven't completely made my mind up about whether or not I'm going back to England after Christmas, but I'm leaning more and more towards staying home in Norway. The education here may be great, but. I can live with having an alright education and a great social life, because being dissatisfied socially makes me miserable. Really.

But then you have the things like my teach saying that I could have a shot at Oxbridge, and that really kills me because what if, what it (and golly gee whatta compliment). I sort of wish he never said that.

I could try going to this school back in Norway with the IB program, and it's a private school so it should be rather good. However, it's like an hour away from where I live. And do I really want to have six exams at the end of year 2? Do I really want to continue with Maths for another year and a half? Do I want to have this constant IB pressure on my back?

I always miss things I don't have. I bet that if I go back, I'll miss the good things here. But I think that if I don't go back, my brain will implode.
And I rather need my brain.

The girl with the pink and blonde hair? I love it. Also, I think I might be mildly crushing on the vocalist.

More serious matters:

Don't get me wrong, I like my new host family, but there's one thing that I just can't wrap my head around: how they treat their middle child. Bibi is a 4 year old who has a tendency to be loud. Three mornings now I've woken up to the sound of Bibi being loud and of Bibi being yelled at. Okay, I can understand that you would want to silence her when she acts up as everyone else is sleeping, but what I don't get is how yelling at her to "Shut up! Just bloody shut up!" can improve the situation (especially when you're yelling louder than Bibi was in the first place). It's like a case of Cinderellaism, where one of the kids is being treated differently; it's as if the whole family take their frustrations out on her. This morning was particularly bad, normally I can just go back to sleep after the racket, with Bibi being left in a room to cry. I'm a believer of time-outs, but she hadn't done anything this time, she'd just wanted to be in the same room as her sister while her sister was cleaning, in which case I think that taking her downstairs would be better than yelling at her and chucking her into a room. Poor girl was trying not to cry too loud, it was really hearbreaking. And it was so easy to cheer her up again. She came into my room, I gave her a hug and played a little with her — swinging by the arms, lifting up to the roof-kinda thing — and she became as happy as anything.

And consider what this teaches her. I think she can either end up as a person who's been opressed to the extent that she'll be afraid to be outspoken and 'out there' because she's learnt that all she does and says is wrong, or that she'll end up as a completely alienated rebel from her family because she doesn't feel welcome there. Either scenarios are worst case, but they're not unfeasible.

I wouldn't say anything of course, seeing as it's really not my business. But. I think they're really treating her unfairly. The oldest girl is 11 and they're not demanding too much of her considering her age (although there are sometimes when they yell at her that I just don't get), and the youngest is 5 months, so of course they're not demanding a lot from him. It must be hard for her to see that her little brother can be messy with the food and get laughs, whereas if she's messy with the food everyone gets angry. They're acting as though Bibi's an adult, as though she'll understand everything they demand of her. She won't. She's just four years old.

Five questions meme, questions asked by cindas

( Answerz )

A million and three things have happened, so you'll just have to deal with the summarizing:

1. Moving families has been awesome. They are really likeable and they allegedly like me back, so hey, here's to improvement! *lifts glass* The kids are cute; oldest is really polite and nice, middle is keerrazy but sweet in her child-zest, and the youngest is really only 5 months old so I can't really say a lot about him, but he doesn't cry a lot at nights, which is wonderful. The parents are also cool.


2. Norway. Omg I miss people. I started crying when I was on the train to the airport. It's not that bad, I had a pretty terrible morning as well. But I kept seeing people who looked like bf, which drove med crazy because I think he was a bit weird yesterday, when we said bye. To be honest, I'm terrified of him finding out he doesn't like me or that he likes somebody else or that I'm not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not cool enough, not whatever you will enough. I haven't told him, though, because I don't want him to think I'm clingy. It annoys me because I think that relationships should be based on good conversation and not being afraid of saying what's on your mind, and normally I'm not, but I've burnt myself on this kind of thing before, and my mom and sister, who've had looooads of relationships, say the key is to be independent. I understand it, but I don't want to play games, I just want to tell him. Comments?


3. Green Day concert was fucking awesomepantssauce. I am such a fan of the way they behave and take up fans on stage, they were incredible, and we got good spots and when everybody sang along it was just magic. Well worth the traveling money.


4. I've managed to get from Torquay to Norway to Torquay again almost all by myself. I feel independent.


5. New icon is inappropriate and sexy ♥

Oh my abbreviated higher spirit of choice, I have been a baaaaaaad LJ friend lately. I'm pretty darned well excused though, because this load of homework could well be smothering me, if it wasn't for the fact that I keep trying to climb the evergrowing pile. I try to keep the top in reach and I normally do (if you don't get the metaphor; I have a lot of homework, which I do, which makes me unable to do anything else, really). The problem is that it's going to get worse because of extracurricular activities which are mandatory. Damn shaping-students-to-be-better citizens-program.

I'm moving families tomorrow. The lady charged £30 for internet a month. A month! That's twice the price in Norway! She put it down to £15 two days ago, when I complained to the office in school but really, that she even dares to take £30 when most families take nothing to £10, well.. I don't want to live with a family who feels they are in the right to exploit me. The family I'm moving to tomorrow has got three children, which I'm actually really looking forward to. I love children, and I believe that people who have had them are more understanding and more compassionate because they have experienced what it means to give up yourself for someone else (not in all cases, of course). Also going to share house with a nice Chinese (I think) girl, instead of the whiny Russian I'm sharing with now.

Boyfriend and mum were here from the 29th to the 5th. It was awesome, I got to live in the hotel with them (me&bf in one room, mum in another). I don't miss my family that much, really, but it was nice to feel like I was welcome, and I had missed being physical with my boyfriend (kisses, hugs, etc.). There is only so much you can do over Skype, y'know. Oh and we've been together for two months, according to his perception of it. I haven't really told him that I was insecure at first (where's the point in that?), so I just tag along and agree with him. I find it cute that he thinks we clicked that well in the very beginning.

I'm also going back to Norway for the weekend on Friday, which will be interesting. I'll have to get used to not talking English, for one, and that everyone can understand me. Going to be differeeent.

So yeah, the update/comment situation is probably not going to improve a lot in the next couple of months, which you just have to excuse. I do I do I do believe in fairies read your entries, though.

And the son of earlier chosen deity, why aren't I in bed? I'm gonna have a sleep-stroke and pass out tomorrow. Zzzzzz.

ALSO IT'S FRICKING COLD. BRRRR. Where are my mittens?

Oh and happy belated birthday to schnee! :D

This has been an unfair day.

Not because it's been particularly bad, but because I feel .. I don't know if I can describe what I'm feeling right now. Indifference, maybe? I feel misplaced. Apathic. Frustrated. Disconnected. All of these, but also none of these. I want to scream. I want to have some sort of outlet for this disassociative anger I'm feeling.

You know, anger is something I've always had problems handling; I think that anger was a feeling I didn't really experience a lot of in my early childhood, and as a result, when I later faced all sorts of nasty people, I didn't know how to be properly angry with them and so submitted instead. I keep it bottled up, and then sometime it all comes pouring out in one way or another. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes I do other things, but it always comes out in a way that feels wrong.

Spesifics that could be making me feel this way:
- not feeling welcome as a result of being away from home.
- not having my best friends readily available; I only have one friend I would consider good down here, and I don't think I could walk up to him and tell him all of what's going on in my mind.
- not being who I want to be, frustration with self.

The last point is really the most important, I think. I'm a person with the need for constant change, I don't deal well with things being the same all the time. It bores me. That is one of the reasons why I went to England ... actually, it's the main reason. The only reason? I was pretty content with most aspects of my life back there, after all.

( Women I idolize (aka wish I could be) )

FYI, all the people mentioned here are musicians save from Diaz, so if you haven't heard their music/their band, I recommend you check them out.

I snagged a million memes from dyingtosay but then I deleted them because who cares anyway.

I've been feeling very philosophical today. I think it was after I read a post schnee linked in his journal. It made me think. Not about death, as such, but just life in general and what I have accomplished in my time thus far. I came to the conclusion that I'm pretty content. I may not have the perfect body, I may not always have the greatest temper, sometimes I'm a bit too egoistical, sometimes I hold grudges for too long and I'm not good enough at loving myself, but. But. I'm generous, I care to the deepest depths of my heart for those that are important, I'm generally nice to everyone, and I think most importantly of all, I'm myself.
I don't compromise the important things.

( I wanted to make a list of some of the things that I love in life: )

Fuck yeah. I need to buy Artwork. And the new Arctic Monkeys CD. And the new Muse CD, when that comes out, and the new Pearl Jam (EXCITEEED ♥) and the new Alice in Chains and Paramore when those come, too. The problem with this is really that I have a limited fund and can't go around spending my living money. I know I've got horrible spending habits but I'm going to make them go away. Maybe I should start a small fund in my room? Good thing here is that CDs are like crazy cheap in comparison to in Norway. I think everything is crazy cheap, really. Approx. £2 (like, what, 20 NKR?) for lunch = hale yuh. I could easily spend up to £10 (100 NKR) on one day on just food in Norway, maximum this far is £5. Still need to make it come to less, though.

HEY GUYS I'm maturing. This needs celebration *pops bottle of children's Champagne* ..no?

I'm doing well. I have made some semi-friends, at least, and although I think some of them might be interested in me for more than just friendship, I guess I can live with that. It is a bit flattering, after all. I miss my boyfriend, though, but I guess that was just inevitable.

The school system was a bit.. well, messy, to say the least. The host family didn't know I was vegetarian nor that I had asked for a single room. Both needs were accomodated, but still. Messy. I get the impression that everything about it is really trying and failing, it's not really settled all that well. I'm impressed by the teachers, though, so I think I'll learn something, at the very least. And that's really what school's all about.

My subjects chosen for the time being (might switch them around a bit) are:

High Level: Economics, Film Studies, English A1
Standard Level: Maths Standard, Biology, Japanese

I haven't taken any pictures yet, my camera's out of battery and I'm too lazy to charge it. I need to pack out my stuff first. It's a pretty town, though, and there are a lot of friendly people here. 's a bit chilly, though, and I think I'm coming down with a cold. Drat. Also, I spilled tea on my keyboard and the mouse went ape. Right now the right mouse button doesn't want to work. Than God for touchpads.

Mmm, getting up at 8.30 tomorrow. Lovely.

My plane to Torquay leaves in 4 hours. Eeeek. Still got stuff to pack, eating breakfast, stress stress. And still I can't really grasp the fact that I'm leaving. Jesus, get to it, head *pokes self* Home's here, though, so that makes things better. I could giggle.

And happy belated birthdays to kaikinisshoku, bokhylle, happy birthday today to cindas and happy birthday tomorrow to giraffewings (since I'm prolly not gonna be on the 'net in a coupla days).

I fell in love on Tuesday.

He wanted to buy me a going-away present today. We looked for jewellery but there wasn't anything I liked, so he got me It by Stephen King instead.

Jesus Christ I have an awesome boyfriend. We're still not "official", but who the fuck cares (I certainly don't).